Sampull

I really enjoy being forced into doing things I don't want to do. Par exemple, having to go to a TRASHBOX basketball game for no reason at all! As for being forced into doing things that I do want to do, well...that's a different story. Like they say, you can't rape the willing!

This game was a COMPLETE waste of time, I hate to say. I kind of feel bad when I absolutely will not enjoy things that I don't want to do. I supposed I could try to make the best out of those circumstances (Sir C. Stances) to alleviate some of the irritation and rancor I harbor when those sitches arise (BTDUBZ what am I, Kim Possible?). I'm not sure how to do that though, since after all, it's one thing to say that I'm going to put a positive spin on things that thoroughly suck, and another thing to actually do it.

And quite honestly, I think there's a part of me (a LARGE part of me) that likes to be miserable so that I can whine endlessly about shit that really isn't a big deal at all. The part about things that I'm forced to do, or just compelled to do, that irks me the most is that I have no control, which is undoubtedy the worst feeling in the world in my goop-tacular opinion. My DOOK-tacular opinion.

The best part is when it's my mother telling me what to do. As I gain more and more independence, it becomes EXCEEDINGLY frustrating when I am reminded (and lately I've been getting these reminders every single day) that I do not yet have complete, unconditional control over my own life. Or maybe that's a bad way of putting it, since everybody, or almost everybody, has complete control over their choices. I should say that there are many instances where I really ought to obey my mom's wishes, as the repercussions of non-compliance would far outweigh the temporary euphoria that disobedience would incur.

Recently I've caught myself VERY often wondering what would happen if I just uprooted my entire life? For realreal, not for playplay. What would ACTUALLY happen if I were to just quit my job, pack all my shit, and go somewhere else? What if I tried doing that right this very moment? Could I make it work? Every day I feel more and more like I just want to LEAVE (GET OUT), as Joanna "JoJo" Levesque sings. The only problem is that I'm stuck. I certainly don't make enough money to live on my own ($1100/month take-home? I don't think so), and even if I did, I would NOT be moving anywhere else in Chicagoland, which means that I would have to quit my job anyway!

Theoretically and hypothetically speaking, I could just go away to school out of state, but that costs like a billion dollars and I REFUSE to have thousands upon thousands of dollars in student loan debt. I don't even care if Suze Orman (aka Suzogreen) says that student loan debt is good debt to have because the payments are easy and whatever. I'm not doing all that, it's not part of the plan.

It's like I'm in some weird young adult purgatory! I can't leave, but I can't bear to stay much longer, either! It's a classique Catch-22, only like three times worse. A Catch-66. A Catch-69, even! I just have to wonder how many other people go through shit like this. I guess that's just what life is like when you're in college? Whatever.

I apologize for the endless, rambling fucktartion/-tia, but I can't help but rant about this.